Another Fish in the Pond

When we were undergrads my brother made the observation that one of the worst things about media and Hollywood is that it presents uber beautiful people as being typical. By default then, those of us who are typical appear less than average. As a brother with both an older and younger sister could sensitively observe, “How are the pretty girls supposed to get noticed if guys are taught to think that beautiful is normal?”

After a couple decades at this whole ‘romance’ thing, I have a thought: People are perpetually waiting for another fish… a more attractive, more compatible, more talented fish… to jump into their pond. I heard it most aptly expressed in a church I used to go to where, every summer, there was an influx of door-to-door sales men known affectionately as “the bug boys”. Women, upon finding the current dating pool lacking would take solace in observing, “The bug boys will be here soon.” It was a variation on a theme: “The new semester will start soon, maybe someone will show up then.” “Maybe someone new will be at the next Luau.”

Whatever the ‘new’ event that is supposed to bring your one true love into your orbit, it represents the underlying thought that there is no need to settle for the current options if you are the least bit dissatisfied with them. This is different from the old adage, “The grass is always greener somewhere else,” because I am not moving. I am simply, waiting for new fish to come into my pond.

In the past few years, I could have gotten married at any point and been very happy. There has always been at least one guy around who I am confident would have made the party of the 2nd part in a happy, successful, enriching Eternal marriage. (I could name names here, but I won’t… remember that bit about me being good at keeping my mouth shut?) In case it isn’t obvious, I didn’t marry any of those men. In fact, I would hazard to guess that none of them ever knew that I thought of them so highly. If I think a guy is looking through me, waiting for another, slightly better, fish to come into our pond then I figure he doesn’t want me and I will fade away.

In this I am not unique, most people will fade away when they are not wanted. That is the luxury of the waiting for another fish mind set: someone else will come along. You may be 40 before they do, you may have 40 years of life to try and fill them in on by the time they do, you may have lost being able to have children with them by the time they do… or, ‘someone’ may not come along and you opted your way right into not getting married by dint of always looking for another fish.

I’d like to propose an imaginary situation: What if you lived 500 years ago where people didn’t travel more than a few miles from home? Where the people in your town were the sum total of your social world… and of your dating pool? No waiting for someone new to move in. No waiting for you to move to a new place. Who you had was who you got. Period. My guess is that you would decide a) you didn’t like the options and live out your life single or (much more likely) b) make your pick from the options you had.

Back to reality; I know a growing number of singles who are opting for choice “a” by default by waiting for someone better to come along. They all say they want to get married, but year after year goes by and they are still single despite having met many attractive, talented, moral members of the opposite sex.

Without going into deep-seated psychological issues… no wait- this is me, of course I’m going to. Psychological math: unrealistic expectations about facial/body beauty + unrealistic expectations about what one ‘needs’ to be happy + fears about ‘failing’ at marriage/temple covenants + social/religious pressures to pick someone who is wonderful for you for all Eternity + whatever unresolved relationship baggage you have accumulated = refusing to find someone. Yes, refusing… active, willful, stubborn.

Here is what I propose: Mentally look around at your social world. Consider whom you know (church, hobby groups, work, clubs, people you currently are in contact with via your online dating website [NOT the people who are also on the site but you have not contacted]). Take inventory of the singles who are remotely potential, and I mean remotely, no fair ruling people out right at the start cause their hair is the wrong color or you had one mediocre date with them. Now imagine that this is the sum total of who your options will ever be… you will not meet anyone new. If anything, your options will only diminish as people marry off. Now imagine you had to choose life as a single person or marriage to one of the people you know. Which would you choose? (And if you said you’d wait till someone new showed up, or for one of the younger generation to grow up, you’ve missed the point and need to go back to step one.)

Now consider that your refusal to pick someone is the reason you are not blissfully married. If you don’t want to be married, then fine. It’s your life. But get off of the playing field so the rest of us can be focused on people who share a similar goal: getting married. If you do want to get married, sweet! I know some great people I can point out to you. But what ever you do, quit thinking that it is anything but your own mental attitude toward finding an Eternal mate that is getting in your way. And if you can’t figure out why you’re getting in your own way I know several excellent therapists around the world to whom I’d be happy to refer you. But first I’d start by considering that you’re just waiting for another fish to come into your pond.