We are billboards. Some things are artificial (clothes) some are natural (wrinkle lines). But they broadcast who are and who we wish other people to think we are.
I’ve been thinking a lot the last few months about what I broadcast. It is a painful fact of my life that, when introduced into a new group, I am well liked for the first month. By the third month, I am thought to be arrogant, holding out on the group and disapproving. By the sixth month I am back to being liked and that opinion then seems to hold steady.
Recently, I was temporarily reassigned to a new unit in my hospital. It’s a small hospital, people gossip, long time associates from different divisions see no problem with telling their friend about what they think of another staff member wholly unconnected with their friend. When I was assigned to the new unit I knew that I would be there long enough for people to start to think I’m arrogant but not long enough to convince them that I’m not. So began my campaign, carefully crafted as any General Patton plan for operation “Dr. JB insertion to CPAS”. Clothes were chosen to match the dress level and style of my co-workers. Humor was modified to suit their tastes. When relaxed my face looks like I’m frowning, so I constantly mentally reminded myself to turn the corners of my mouth up so it would look like I was smiling. Walk fast so people would know I’m working hard but stop to visit and check in on them so they know I see myself as part of their team. On and on and on.
Freud said that, in the absence of information of what another person is thinking or feeling, healthy people will project their own ideas of not only what someone thinks/feels but why the motivation for such. And they generally will project their worst fear, the idea that causes them the most anxiety. Thus, in the absence of evidence to the contrary, what one thinks of another person is his or her own worst fear come to life. Thankfully, we humans are social critters who thrive on getting to know other humans; a species protecting mechanism that helps us not become neurotic as we get to know what motivations another person truly has, as opposed to what we fear they have.
There is somewhat of a balance between what we think of someone else being 1) a statement of our own mental workings and 2) assumptions based on some little bit of evidence that person gives off (no one is truly a blank projector screen). I am well aware of the facets of my personality and temperament that lead to the mistaken assumption that I’m arrogant. Hence my steps to adjust my actions and demeanor to quickly feed information into the non-verbal interpersonal communication.
But if I look at myself from the ouside… as I sit in this moment… I see a human who is a billboard for the Gap jeans she’s wearing, the cotton top that’s fitted and flowing from Banana Republic, the cotton sweater with the plastic jewels all in muted natural colors. I see one wearing make-up (which is new- I didn’t start wearing make-up until I was 25) and with natural brown roots showing under the blond highlights. I have wrinkles on my forehead from raising my eyebrows and a faint wrinkle on one side of my mouth were I pull harder when I’m smiling because I’m supposed to be smiling even if I’m not actually feeling it. I have crinkles by my eyes when I smile, hinting at the winkles to come in the next decade. I know what I mean to communicate by all these details. But here is the real question: What do you understand by the signals I’m sending? Now look at yourself? What do you see?
